Scientists discover the perfect diet

Scientists have finally discovered the ultimate diet for health, performance, and longevity. The results of a study published in many journals have garnered support from 69 different people who happen to have more-or-less benefited from the study.

Testing multiple popular diets including carnivorism, vegetarianism, veganism, pescatarianism, nothingism, Mediterraneanism, and basically all of the isms, scientists found that the best diet wasn't what tastes good, what's good for you, nor what is morally correct. "Basing your diet on what activists want you to care about, for example choosing to only eat plants, nuts, and grains because you're against animal abuse, well, those people are not thinking rationally," wrote Dr. Whatwoman, lead scientist in this 2026 publication.

According to Dr. Whatwoman's team, the perfect diet is two steps. "First, realize that every time you put food into your mouth, you're breaking a fast from the last time you put food in there. Therefore, every meal is breakfast: every bite is a mini-meal. Step two: remove one meal per day. By doing that, you prepare your body and mind for step three."

When asked why she said that there's two steps and then referred to three, Dr. Whatwoman became enraged and admitted that she's a scientist, which, by definition, means she's dimwitted. After further pressing from VNN, she continued with step three.

"Step three is the magical step. If you do it consistently for one month, you will lose 20% of your weight, guaranteed. Imagine feeling light, strong, hot, and ready for your next best life. Wouldn't you just love that?"

During technical issues with our Zoom call, Dr. Whatwoman short-circuited and began ranting about President Trump as well as her plans to make fun of him online later that evening. At that point, VNN called Trump on his cell and told him to watch out for Dr. Whatwoman and her band of unruly scientists. We will update this story when we get a response.

Update May 27: Since Dr. Whatwoman could not be reached despite repeated, frankly harassing voicemails, VNN's nutrition correspondent Aaron Parasmo threw his two cents into the ring. "Just going off of the study itself, which only professionals like me with years of experience can read, the scientists found that drinking tea or water, iced if necessary, instead of eating, is the way to go."

"It's the way to go. The trick is to eat only when you can't not eat. Read that again: eat only when you uncontrollably must eat in order to survive. The brilliance of this diet is that it emphasizes water consumption, reduces amount of money spent on food, puts the body into optimum shape, makes us appreciate each meal more, trains us to be resilient, and magically shifts the sensation of pain away from other problems. Essentially, the perfect diet neutralizes pain by distracting our brains and thus jamming the pain signals. Plus, you'll crave the healthiest available option every time."

Dr. Parasmo confirmed that none of the above is actually mentioned in the study because, in his words, "nutrition scientists are some of the worst." Instead, Dr. Parasmo is peddling a new, upcoming book titled, 'The Perfect Diet', which he's currently considering writing.