We slept on 112 mattresses, and boy are we tired

Tired of feeling tired? So are we. VNN's staff tested 112 different mattresses from a variety of brands and found nothing but sleepless despair. The staff has not slept well in months and might be on the way out.

"We're on the way out. I doubt we live to see another Chinese New Year (thank God) after all this exhaustion," lamented one of VNN's most important journalists, who asked to remain anonymous. "When you're testing mattresses for the purpose of helping people, make sure you don't throw out your old mattress in the process. I figured one of the first 111 mattresses would zonk me out. Turns out, the only one that really got the dreaming going was the very last one we tried."

Sources say that the VNN staff has considered the possibility that someone wants them dead. Staff has been ornery and extremely ill, leading investigators to believe that someone told the mattress truck guy to "stack the deck." VNN has reached out to investigators and have learned that the only one actually investigating is VNN's very own Bill Peener. "Trust me, I'm investigating."

Glorious Victory Memory Foam, produced and distributed in North Korea, is the best mattress of the bunch. The standardized, one-size-fits-all-North-Koreans product felt comfortable on the back and just right on the head and ass. Another anonymous staffer told VNN, "thanks to Glorious Victory Memory Foam, I feel like I might not actually die from this apparent plot to take down VNN. They already got Info Wars!"

Out of 8 VNN staff members, only Senior Editor Todd Harsh thought the Glorious Victory Memory Foam "sucked ass." Mr. Harsh admitted that he's probably going to die from sleep-deprivation and blames the conspiracy to silence him on Barack Obama.