Pope John Whatever Has Died

Pope John Whatever, the long-lasting leader of an extremely unpopular religion, kicked the bucket last night during a Brazilian waxjob. Sources tell VNN that he was nearly finished getting waxed when he "simply couldn't stand the pain."

Unpopular as ever, Pope John Whatever's expected passing won't affect most people. "His death won't matter to most people," Dick Hillbrank told VNN on a secure line. "Think about it. Only 25% of the world even knows the Pope's real name. A Gallup poll found that 75% actually do know his name, but the poll, which is probably bullshit anyway, was taken before the new pope was installed. So, yeah."

Reports also suggest that Catholicism is not popular. Another Gallop poll revealed that only 45% of the world likes Catholicism. VNN asked several intelligent people what they thought, and the results are conclusive. One participant stated that he would rather be "fucked in the ass by Satan" than attend a Catholic mass. Another participant joked that Catholics should take comedy lessons because their religion is like watching The Hangover Part 69."

Clearly, Catholicism isn't as cool as it used to be. The recently departed Pope had a lot to do with it and should consider how stupid he was to lead an unpopular religion. He should've converted to Adevilism, the religion based around the fact that Satan does not exist.

Adevilism has quickly become the most popular religion, according to a recent poll of VNN staff. Correspondent John Sonbich admitted that his life turned around when he uninstalled evil.exe from his brain's operating system. "I feel like a new John! Hell isn't real, and I just love the fact that I'm smarter than Jesus." Editor-in-chief Todd Harsh acknowledged that Adevilism is like a WQ test. "Fuck IQ tests. Wisdom Tests are king. If you believe that God is so omnipotent that God would create evil, then you're dumb!"