How CNN's Violence Could Weaken CNN

CNN, known as a violence profiteer, has put itself in dire straits over a recent chink in the ol' armor. In an unsurprising move, the media mogul resorted to negative focus in its reporting on President Donald J. Trump.

A screenshot captured "journalist" Stephen Collinson negatively framing the Iran war as only weakening President Trump. By focusing solely on supposed weaknesses instead of addressing strengths as well, "Mr." Collinson committed a future crime of literal violence against humanity.

"It's but another example of Señor Collinson being a bad hombre," some random guy on the street lamented. "You telling me Trump ain't strong? He literally carries the weight of el worldo in his arms, cradling it like a man holding a baby. Trump has plenty of experience handling babies, and yes, the world is a fucking toddler."

Sources tell VNN that the world indeed is still in its toddler stage and is expected to grow up into a healthy adult someday. Analysts at The Institute for Earth Progress released a statement admonishing CNN in the most heinous of ways. In a stunning move, the IEP labeled CNN a child rapist, or in other terms, a pedophile, for choosing to molest the world.

Thanks to Citizens United, CNN qualifies as a U.S. citizen. Therefore, according to logic, both CNN and Stephen Collinson are pedophiles. By choosing to trick readers into thinking only about weaknesses and not strengths, Pretty Boy Collinson willingly poisoned the brains of countless humans and maybe even some curious aliens. An expert confirmed to VNN that "aliens watch news too."

"If CNN were committed to not fucking kids, it would have rebuked that Collinson traitor for negative focus," remarked John Baghead, another random person VNN interviewed. "All Collinson had to do was write a story that balanced reality, for example, '5 Strengths & Weaknesses.' Instead, he planted a toxic seed into the brains of the gullible by refusing to include the strengths."

VNN's resident psychologist, Glenda Starwater, explained the problem. "When a 'journalist' uses negative focus, they actually abuse his or her audience by not only excluding pertinent info, but also by crafting a more negative future. The day is still unwritten, ya know what I mean? By focusing on weakness, we tell our brains to produce more thoughts about weakness. We literally train ourselves to be big bags of cancer."

As a "journalist" myself, I agree that both CNN and Stephen Collinson should be charged with pedophilia, crimes against humanity, treason, and for always being a Negative Nancy. President Trump should start calling CNN what it really is: violent news.