Stephen Colbert fired for trying to suck

Thursday night, commonly known as "Thirsty Thursday" at the late-night water cooler, marked the end of the Late Show, which began in 1982. Executives concluded that the show simply wasn't worth the rising homosexual tensions on the set.

One of VNN's super secret sources confirmed via polygraph test that "This isn't Trump's fault. It's Stephen's ridiculous sex drive." According to the source, Mr. Colbert became so accustomed to oral sex with Joe Biden's "bureaucrats" that once they were gone, the Late Show star needed to get his fix elsewhere.

"He was constantly on his knees looking for someone as big as—well, I'll keep her name out of it. As soon as Biden left office, Stephen didn't know who to turn to." VNN's source has acknowledged that everybody really cared that Mr. Colbert wanted only one thing on the set. "Comedy, great content, and memorable interviews stopped being a priority in 2017, but they became nonexistent in 2025. TDS dramatically changed the long-time host."

TDS, or Trump Derangement Syndrome, is currently being added to the DSM-6, the upcoming manual for psychological disorders. Analysts and experts have agreed that TDS is a virus that affects anyone of any intelligence and can only be cured by seeing the advantage of Trump. Perceived disadvantages prevented Mr. Colbert from continuing to be funny.

Other ultra-secret sources have pointed out that the Late Show is being canceled, and not Colbert. "Stephen is free to make a new show. He wasn't fired because of Trump. It's just that a captain is useless without his vessel. So, we sank his battleship." Indeed, public data indicates that if Mr. Colbert were fired by Trump, then a new host would have been installed.

According to the girlfriend of VNN's top secret source, "Late Show viewership has waned, but Mr. Colbert owes himself a blowjob for the work he put into ruining comedy. 92% of his jokes were anti-Trump, which does not align with national political maps. Eventually, it gets to the point where Trump is the one writing the jokes. So, perhaps he should host the show."

"The saddest part of all is that after last night's finale, Stephen tried to blow Paul McCartney, who quipped, 'Self-love is all you need.' Stephen locked himself in his office all night apparently attempting to love himself and could very well still be trying, just like how he tried to suck at comedy for years."