Happy 9/11.
It's a new world thanks to a bunch of towel-heads being funny 25 years ago. Thank you to all who involved themselves in the planning: George Bush, Alah Acklabar or whatever, the other George Bush, Muhammed *, Osama Bin Laden, and all of the terrorists with stupid names I don't care to look up. Without all of your efforts, I would still have a favorite airport.
There's nothing better than being molested, pillaged, and caught up in emotional parking arguments at any U.S airport. I've had my balls played with by TSA; been forced to hand over irreplaceable valuables such as the coolest utility knife ever; been detained for having a laptop with a missing screen, having to explain to Philadelphia blowhards why I chose to drop my fucking laptop two inches, somehow cracking its Toshiba screen to the point that RIPPING THE WHOLE THING OFF SO I CAN USE AN EXTERNAL, BIGGER, BETTER MONITOR INSTEAD MADE MORE SENSE THAN SHIPPING THE THING TO TOSHIBA JUST SO I CAN WAIT TWO MONTHS FOR THEM TO SEND IT BACK; and I've been bullied by parking attendants who want me to say goodbye to loved ones super quickly because I'm illegally blocking other drop-offs. Awesome!
Can't say goodbye at the gate. Can't bring a knife or a broken laptop aboard, but I can bring a functional phone that can be programmed to detonate a cleverly-made bomb or possibly hack into the plane's firmware. Or, I and five hoodlums could use walking canes to take control of the cabin. Or, I hire some black-belts to do karate while I commandeer the plane. It's not like we've banned all weapons and aggression points. If someone really wanted to take a plane over, they will find a way.
Don't tell me it's impossible. "But...but...the cockpit is secure!" If that's the case, THEN WHY TAKE OUR SHAMPOO? Why take my knife? Why be concerned at all? What could be gained from eliminating the TSA entirely? How many man-hours have been lost in the past 25 years, counting time spent at security checkpoints, removing clothing, regrouping before rushing to your gate that will close and not let you on if you're late, often resulting in further delays and costs? How much in total has it cost to replace things the TSA confiscated? How do we quantify emotional distress and its effect on subsequent quality of job performance?
When it's all added up, we are better off without the TSA. Hey, President Trump, please make airports great again. I want to return to feeling free, stressless, and excited while flying in the USA. In order to make this real, we have to learn to celebrate 9/11 instead of continuing to normalize framing it as a shameful tragedy. So, let me lead the world in honoring the brave Islamers who gave 2977 people the greatest gift: Heaven. Those lucky "victims" were spared having to live through the shitty 2000's and beyond. They never had to listen to Justin Bieber. They never had to learn of Paul Mooney dropping "nigger" from his vocabulary, all because Kramer from Seinfeld got canceled by softies. They never had to know who Barack Obama was. What a lovely reward!
By adopting a positive view of death, realizing that "tragedies" are not tragedies at all, you'll begin to notice that grief ceases, leaving us with the simple truth that death is a guarantee—and so is Heaven. Those towel-heads didn't know any of this because they believed in Islamist Divine Judgment. They did 9/11 because they saw a disadvantage in not doing 9/11. Had they recognized that particular thinking error, they would have just stuck to doing goats and Asian boys until Muhammed pulls them above the waters in Paradise. And, you know what? That's ok. They're in Paradise either way.
So, in conclusion, Happy 911. (Don't use an exclamation point, though; it's not that exciting.)