Studies show that race doesn't matter

VNN has received exclusive access to a new meta study conducted at Stantoyota University, which confirms that humans are but one race. Examining 600,900 studies about race, racism, and reality, researchers concluded that race literally does not matter. Lead researcher Bill Joel gave VNN exactly two questions before he was going to "hang up on [me]."

Mr. Baqueaf, VNN: Good morning. What prompted you to conduct this study?

Mr. Joel, Stantoyota University: Happy Holiday! For years, I've been confused by the focus on race. National Geographic literally said that there is no biological basis for distinct human races. It just seems so obvious to me that the whole concept is being used politically to manipulate people. Me, personally, I've always been colorblind. I can't tell the difference between a 'White' person and the 'Black' person because of my vision disorder, so what do I care? Look, everyone sucks. It's not like 'Black' people are worse than 'White' people or something. They're all terrible!

Mr. Baqueaf, VNN: Yes, that makes sense. If everybody sucks, then why differentiate between biologically baseless differences? My second question is about the politics. How might society change when people wise up and ditch the color game?

Mr. Joel, Stantoyota University: Society would finally be great. I gotta be honest with you. I can tell from your voice that you're one of those journalists. Frankly, I don't like you, but that's OK because I don't like anyone.

Mr. Baqueaf, VNN: It sounds like your research not only confirmed that racial differences don't really exist and that racism is just a manipulative political tool. By the way, has anyone ever asked if you're good at piano? (laughing)

Mr. Joel, Stantoyota University: I SAID YOU GET TWO QUESTIONS.

Mr. Joel hung up, and the conversation about race is also over. Thanks to science, "Blacks" and "Whites" are equally "blah." Policy makers and race-baiters will have to adjust their tactics as people begin to wake up and realize that literally no human is a shade of black or white, anyway. It's more like cream and chocolate.

VNN's resident sociologist Aaron Parasmo had this to say about the study: "Fact is, if you identify as 'Black', then start calling yourself 'White'. Everybody should act accordingly. If you're 'White', then you should identify as 'Black' or, if you're feeling spicy, try 'yellow' or 'fruity pink.' This will throw off the census, medical research, and all of the useless idiots who parrot this stupid race nonsense."