No, Jerry Seinfeld is not pure evil

You can stuff your sorries in a sack because Jerry Seinfeld, the man behind the hit TV show Stand-up, isn't taking your apologies. The legendary comedian, who also happens to be married to a woman he courted when she was just a teen dream, has received never-ending, jealous rage from literally millions of idiots.

In a written letter to VNN, Mr. Seinfeld's attorney exclaimed, "can you imagine being so unfunny, so stupid, so arrogant and beyond boring that you spend your free time whining about Mr. Seinfeld being a "pedophile"?!!!!! It's insanity!"

Mr. Seinfeld's lawyer did not include his name in the statement, but the VNN night janitor saw a man in sunglasses and a cape slip something under our backdoor late last eve. In a confidential statement to VNN, the janitor said, "Vi a un hombre raro con capa y gafas de sol acercarse sigilosamente a la puerta trasera de VNN y deslizar algo dentro. Me excitó un poco, pero cuando terminó simplemente se levantó y se fue como un hombre típico."

Upon receipt of the letter, VNN followed up and discovered a new clue in the case. According to scientific analysis, marrying a woman you courted in her mid-to-late-teens isn't pedophilia. Repeated attempts to make like a moron and force their definition of the word inside the word itself has sparked backlash from the American Library Association, which noted in a Tweet: "fucking words is fucking retarded and honestly kinda gay. Why the fuck would you force a word to have a particular meaning when it doesn't want it?"

Frank Chippo, an expert in child sex, comfirmed that it's not illegal to fuck words. "It happens every day. Trust me. Go online, and you'll find people literally raping the word 'pedophilia'. They keep trying to make it mean something it does not. It's like referring to a law clerk aa a lawyer. Do you how angry lawyers get when people address their clerks as attorneys?"

Mr. Chippo continued, informing VNN that Mr. Seinfeld is, at worst, an ephebophile. "Of course, these idiots who whine about the nuance between words are a complete waste of time. They'll accuse you of being a pedophile if you try and defend Jerry Seinfeld. Truth is, there's nothing to defend and everything to offend!"

Indeed, incoming data shows that it's actually more fun to respond to this particular flavor of idiot by going on the offense than the defense. One internet fan of Mr. Seinfeld, noriceforyou28, admitted that he "plays into it." "I play into it. When I defend Jerry, and retards call me a pedophile, I tell them that the funniest part about pedophilia is the diaper situation. That usually gets them to block me."

Needing some way to end this story, we at VNN reached out to our resident Satanist, whose name is unwritable, and received the following note, written in blood: "Based on all available evidence, it is unlikely that Mr. Seinfeld is the Devil himself. He made Bee Movie, after all."