VNN  — 

A recent study conducted at some US-based university has found that, when it comes to comedy, it's not joke to say that liberals have been acting like conservatives. Despite the obvious uproar these true results will elicit, considering truth is the #2 trigger for insecure people, researchers are confident that they won't be murdered.

"I don't plan on being murdered," one of the study's three researchers said via telegraph to VNN. "I don't do e-mail, but I'll tell you through this archaic communication method that I have no fear because liberals don't have guns and can't use knives."

Indeed, a number of anecdotes and robust logic have confirmed that liberals are not a physical threat to anyone. "The only liberals who engage in violence are actually conservative," the anonymous researcher stated.

Researchers insist that these findings do not attempt to claim that conservatives are inherently violent. While many conservatives across time have engaged in violence to get what they want - and they usually win - this study shows that when liberals behave conservatively, cognitive dissonance and their doubt in God - the #1 trigger - can lead to violent behavior.

One area in which liberals behave conservatively and violently is in stand-up comedy. Popular in the USA, stand-up comedy has been around for decades and is one of the leading causes of alcoholism. Researchers examined 18 comedy clubs across the USA and found that a 2 drink minimum was a requirement at every venue. "There's no diversity in comedy clubs," one of the researchers opined.

The 18 venue review revealed an extremely conservative bias, limiting diversity of drug choice. Smoking is no longer allowed, stifling patron freedom. The choice to not purchase a drink has been rescinded, lest the patron wants to be denied entry. All three researchers expressed concern that this 2-drink minimum fuses three dangers into one: alcohol, fake laughter, and hatred for conservatives.

The least intelligent of the three researchers had the following to say to VNN: "Comedy clubs have three things in common: 1. all require you to drink alcohol or get made fun of for purchasing a mocktail; 2. nobody's laughing - it's mostly just clapter; and 3. the clubs are filled with liberals behaving like conservatives."

The study, which examined 244 liberals within the 18 venues, found that by limiting speech and punishing comics who draw outside the lines, liberals have foregone the very idea of liberalism, shunning freedom of expression. "If these liberals were really liberal, they wouldn't ban and bully comics for saying inappropriate things," said one of the smarter researchers.

A previous study found that liberal comedians display illogical logic when defending their position. One comic claimed that, "people don't want to feel uncomfortable. Andy Kaufman did more to harm stand-up comedy than he did to help it."

Despite their arguments, these liberal comedians and patrons have refused to acknowledge their conservatism. When interviewed, three comics smoking a joint outside said, "Fuck conservatives. Don't you ever compare me to them. Yo, who's got the lighter?"

Liberal comedians hate being called conservative, furthering the cognitive dissonance between their values and their actions. Irregardless of their feelings, this new study from a major US university confirms that conservative liberals have ruined stand-up comedy. For years, it has been impossible to tell a pro-Trump joke on a comedy stage without being violently attacked.

Researchers found that comics who tell unacceptable jokes receive a punishment far greater than murder. "Some of these comics would rather be shot on stage than have their lives ruined by conservative liberals," one comic admitted confidentially to VNN. "Don't tell anyone I said this because I care about what left-wingers think, but I'm tired of being censored. That's not true liberalism."

Certainly, the implications of this study are huge. For the first time, liberals are discovering that they are actually the very thing they despise. It's possible that by realizing their conservatism, namely in the way in which they limit speech and behavior in comedy clubs, they might self-deport.

According to some internet website, "self-deporting" involves disappearing entirely from the universe; and it may be the best way to save comedy in the USA. Time and again, liberal comics have watered down the comedy scene as a result of their doubt in God. By sending themselves back to Heaven, these comics could do wonders for comedy, art, and the world.

"You'll never get through to them," all three researchers agreed. "Once a liberal, always a liberal. It's like AIDs. It's with you for life. All you can do is remember that these people don't carry guns and are incapable of hurting you directly. Indirectly, they might call your employer, smash your car window, talk smack online, or whatever other immature behavior they come up with."

A prominent liberal conservative comic, the reverse of what can be found in most clubs today, confessed that he's proud of his liberalism. "Look, I'm a conservative, but I'm also a US citizen with common sense. Art is art. There's no point in trying to limit its scope. Remember, words can't hurt you - if you think they do, it's because you're choosing to hurt yourself."

Researchers agree, having found through questionaires that liberals create their own problems by shooting themselves in their own foot. Despite not owning guns, these liberals are brilliant when it comes to inflicting pain upon themselves and then blaming conservatives for their pain. "The only way they're going to stop hurting themselves is if they find a reason to be happy. We're talking about masochists who live for suffering; and they want you to be the cause of it because they lack accountability."

An unrelated study conducted next year will find that liberals are incapable of understanding this article. A double-blind test across three months discovered a positive correlation between understanding this article and being a true conservative. True liberals, however, just get upset and call you names and try to bully you into suicide.

"Liberals are anti-gun, but they're pro-bullying. They'll gang up on you and bully you instead of focusing on their own success. It's a clever way of skirting personal responsibilities and maintains the idea of a perpetual idealogical war."

To solve this problem, researchers suggest removing limits on speech and behavior in comedy clubs. By making comedy clubs great again with truly liberal expression, not to mention smoking, people will develop thick skin and learn to tolerate and appreciate diversity of thought and behavior. As one comic put it, "Look, man, I like my liquor, but nobody's confiscating my coke and PCP."

John Something, an expert in social culture, is proud of the study and thinks this could be a turning point for art itself. Having spent the last 15 years as a traveling comic, Mr. Something has witnessed liberal and liberal behaving like evil conservatives. "They heads bout to esplode," Mr. Something said in broken English. "They not like us."

For information about the aforementioned study, try Google.